raspberry rain

2012-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

scared to do anything by myself, the same songs on repeat, reading until my eyes hurt, & it's so cold. making promises to myself that i never keep & then strange things happening, nostalgia called up quick & it's there in front of me- the past, luring me back in & this is the only thing that i've ever been entirely sure is a bad idea but i'm courting it anyways. keeping my options open. this whole thing is getting embarrassing actually. all of these things blend together, mush & mix, i can't keep my shit straight. i'm sad all the fucking time. happiness is like freedom, a goddamn illusion. life is the biggest joke sometimes.

2011-12-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

this restless feeling
in the limbs; i could run
for miles & miles.

November- a month of gray days
& constant forgetting- already
gone. Hello December.

i miss you all the time now.
we're so close yet
it's as if the sea
is between us.

2011-11-27T17:13:00.001-08:00

it's november- the month of gray days & constant forgetting. keep feeling like i'm not good enough. still, the same old problems & no will power to change. days slip away from me & i can't remember the details. i let them go.

2011-11-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

gray bath water & cold knees. i want so badly to be perfect, but i'm not, i'm not- i'm ugly. not even pretty on the inside. over-emotional. paranoid of the sound the cars make outside my window. & this house, this house is too old, too big. strange noises. raw fear. vulnerability. people don't really like me & i can tell. just this way about them- something, something. when they look at me. i sense it. maybe i'm crazy. maybe someone really does like me, genuinely. i don't know if i like anyone really so it's not fair to expect it in return. it makes me sad anyways though. maybe what i really want is not to be liked, but to be feared, in a way. i want people to want to be me, to want to want me & know they can't have me. a little bit dangerous. or maybe that would be too much, i can't handle people for very long. introverted. i slide back inside myself. i ignore everyone for days, weeks. i like to cry too much; unhealthy habits. there is so much wrong with me & i focus in on it but i never fix it, i can't fix me. 1. bad posture 2. overly emotional anxiety bullshit spaz 3. not skinny enough 4. not pretty enough 5. didn't finish school 6. no motivation, no compassion, no nothing i could go on & on all fucking day but all of this is only when compared to other people. put me in a forest by myself & i'm fucking perfect. i wanna go there so bad.

2011-11-19T18:22:00.001-08:00

only love is all maroon.

2011-10-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

the light dies
earlier & earlier;
it hurts to touch
you now.

[haven't felt
real live love
in too long.]

gotta stop
listening to
sad songs,
gotta stop
being scared.

2011-10-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

i only write when i'm sad & i'm sad always now. i don't even know what to say. i guess things are moving too fast. new job and it's almost christmas already, this year almost gone. you are still the same. i hate things about you, i can admit that to myself. you don't read books & you refuse to lose an argument & you're stupid (i feel bad for calling you that; you do have common sense, but no book smarts) & you never shave &&&&&&&

i fault myself more, anyways. i stay. i am the least independent person i know, i'm so scared of life. gotta stop listening to sad songs, gotta stop thinking about being scared.

too many new ideas, new choices. i was never good at decision-making. scatterbrained. the light dies earlier & earlier.

2011-10-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

you walk through the door,
i look pretty. you tell me
to shut up.

you eat a pomegranate &
then kiss me.

i think about six years.
months & days, hours & minutes,
in moments, in stretches of happiness,
or lingering sadness- 63,247,200 breaths,
252,455,424 heartbeats.

i think about telling you
how much it hurts to touch you,
or in other words- goodbye.
but everything stays

in my head.

2011-10-09T16:06:00.001-07:00

i just wanna drive around or hitchhike or idon’tfuckingcare for the rest of my life & see tons of sunsets & sunrises & drink & laugh & cry & lie down in fields & i don’t wanna worry about love or any of that junk, i just wanna breathe & feel alive, the blood in my veins is hot but i can’t feel it, i can’t feel it. i’m tired of worrying all the time & i can’t breathe here anymore & i don’t know what to do. i’m frantic, i’ve got nobody to tell things to. i try to tell people things & i fuck it up more. i fuck everything up. my life, my life. i don’t know anymore, i just want to see the mountains, the rivers, the buffalo, the ocean. i wanna see everything & i probably never fucking will. i can’t break out of this, the way i think, it’s terrible- i get so low. the glass is always half fucking empty. this always happens, it’s autumn again. i always start missing things, i am never good enough.

2011-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

can you tell me how you feel
in twenty words or
less? i'm breaking
like a fever
like a wave
like bones

can't explain how i feel;
i'm on a bloodbuzz &
seeing red

red red red

2011-08-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

hands go down,
dreaming those dirty dreams
when no one is around,

thinking of how
you slip away
from me every time.

metamorphosis
in reverse- moth
to caterpillar

(when it should've been
butterflies
the whole time).

2011-08-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

i've been under the sun, mostly. stooping in the fields to pick ripe, warm berries. they taste like summer days & the windows down, bare feet on the dashboard & that song up loud, singing along with you. dirt roads & sand castles & taking shade beneath tall trees. the lake so cold it makes me feet ache. the days so long.

it's august already & the heat has engulfed everything. i am so happy, yet so sad at the same time. i am afraid, but i don't want it to end. these days are full of promises & winter looms ahead like a great white wolf, howling. a warning, a red ring around the moon. nothing but cold white emptiness.

i try not to think about the bad things, soon it'll be september. indian summer. wildflowers & dreams, blue skies & nights so hot you won't sleep.

2011-07-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

this song, god, this one stupid song can take me back to that weekend. both of us in the worst mood & we drove all night through the snow. just a band, just a boy you didn't really know. the music so loud, to forget. that motel we stayed in, your driving terrifying. etc&etc&etc

2011-07-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

it's strange how often i find the face of my mother in complete strangers.

2011-07-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

a girl who doesn't know what to do
with her hair, a boy who can't find
a use for his hands.

when the haze slips down over my eyes
the fear consumes me.

a girl with green eyes, a boy with blue.
a forest, an ocean.

2011-07-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

i have a facebook page! :]

facebook

2011-07-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

my boyfriend went dancing without me last night with some friends (i'm not jealous, they're married) because i have to go to bed early because i have to work at 6:30am everyday & i never see him anymore & it's fucking depressing & then i think about how if i would've went, i would've been awkward the whole time & not danced or had any fun & we probably would've left early. i hate myself. & i like run on sentences.

2011-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

i feel so empty in the afternoon.
the light is weak & i overslept
again. empty cereal bowl, rings
on the counter from my coffee cup.

we made love last night.
i wanted so badly for him
to open his eyes. his hands turn
to ash when they touch me.

2011-05-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

i should be in bed, gotta wake up earlier than usual tomorrow. drive around a lot, spend a bunch of money. chinese for lunch. mom & grandma. three generations of women eating chinese food together. gas better not go up in the morning or i'm going to kick myself for not taking advantage of the 4.09 it was tonight. getting 8 rolls of film developed too- it feels like christmas morning. i'm only going to open one at a time so i have little things to keep me happy for a while. or maybe i'll open all of them because i'm greedy, i'm impulsive, no self-control. it's 1am & i feel a little bit anxious, a little bit tired. i'm overfull though, so stuffed full of words & i need to write poetry soon or i'll crack, i'll lose it all. it's just everything i sit down to write about is meaningless, i can't find words for how i feel. i guess that's because i'm pretty happy right now, it's so hard for me to write when i'm happy. i'm almost happier when i'm suffering, if that makes any sense.

2011-05-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

trying to write. failing horribly.

going to take pictures instead.

2011-05-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

it turns out sleeping on your mother's couch for a month & a half can turn you into a nun. a really sexually frustrated nun. who doesn't believe in god. stupid metaphor. anyways, i don't even know if i mentioned it, but we're moving into a house. it just has a lot of work to be done first & it's taking forever. i cannot wait to be back in my own bed.

also, i've had one day of work in the last 2 months & i really need to start making money again. funds are running low & i have too many plans. i need money for bills, supplies for the house, i'm supposed to go to a tiger's game in detroit this month & then next month is a trip to wisconsin. i'm excited, but not if i don't start actually working really soon. :/

so, to sum this up: i'm sexually frustrated, super stressed, & broke. woo! life.

2011-05-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

5:30am feels like yesterday already. or ages ago, maybe. it's a rainy friday morning, coffee & cream. the carnival is in town. i'm drawn to it differently than the others are; such a strange pull it has on me. all those lights, the magic, the mystery. hall of mirrors, fun house distractions.

maybe it's just the wanderlust in me, i always want to run away.

2011-04-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

i'm really fucking confused.

2011-04-26T21:32:00.001-07:00

my whole life, people telling me to grow up. all of that wasted advice: stay in school, don't do drugs, find a nice boy, settle down. i'm in such a strange place, instead. i find myself in my twenties, without knowing exactly how i got here.

the truth is- i'm not easy to get along with. i'm too nervous. i outgrow things too fast, i fight with my mother. i stab my friend's in the back & get away with it. i'm two-faced, i'm selfish, i like to be alone too much. the truth is, i think i'm better than other people. i like to cry, hard. i like it when you don't stick around, so i can find reasons to hate you. i have better relationships with people when they're long distance.

2011-04-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

April is the cruelest month.
the same sad song on repeat.
the weatherman calling for rain.

2011-04-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

he said he was worried about my abilities
as a housewife. i was angry about the night before,
in the bathroom, when he came before me.

i've been thinking lately, about a trial
separation. some time apart for me to find myself
(fucking other guys).

i haven't mentioned this to him of course.
honestly, i'm terrified of sleeping
in the middle of the bed.

2011-04-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

i feel ancient, like the oldest stars or fossils. i can't write like she can, that pretty young thing. god, the way she spits out those words, the way her mind is all twisted up, layers like flower petals. i'm old news, washed up, every cliche you can think of.

i'm left with this body, hollowed out, so empty the pain echoes. i don't know what you want me to say, i can't figure it out. i want you to love me so bad.

2011-03-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

& i feel okay. until you say the wrong thing, again.

2011-03-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

so, i dropped out of university for the second time. i don't know what to do anymore. this was my plan. graduate, get a career, blahblahblah. live happily ever after.

this is my life: move back to my small town, move into a house with my boyfriend, find a mediocre job, get engaged, get married, probably be unsure about everything for the rest of my life, die.

fuck, i'm depressing tonight. i just feel like giving up.

2011-03-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

got ice in my veins & you can feel it; you turn your back (too). so it goes. we don't talk about the things under our skin. casual conversation instead. it's starting to hurt, like needles all over.

i'm lost, i'm confused. my hands are useless, as are my eyes, my mouth. i lie down on the floor & listen to the music. i breathe in & out, in & out. i feel the need to convulse, to thrash, to break. but i only cry, quietly. there's a pressure inside, i'm pregnant with these feelings. my hands are useless.

2011-03-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

i want to be anybody but myself. this skin sticks to me like sweat; i want to scratch, claw. i want to be beautiful, confident. i want to be a woman who is not afraid to be a woman.

2011-03-20T20:19:00.001-07:00

boy at work flirting with me & i like it, yeah so what. he's cute. i'm unhappy & too afraid to do anything about it.

i'm going home, old life in new form. it will be summertime & i'll drive down dirt roads thinking about stuff or not thinking at all, just singing loud. then the leaves will fall off the trees & blow away, right off the end of the world. the snow will fall, eventually, i'll get so sad. so it goes.

2011-03-17T21:32:00.002-07:00

i should start writing again, i miss it.

2010-10-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

i feel fucking useless. stupid fucks at work pretending to be nice to me & then ask me if they can take my 'first cut.' they just wanted to go home early. fuck that, you think i'd give that up & have to stay in that shithole for another 2 hours? && that piece of shit who stands behind my register & tells me what i did wrong or answers my customers questions before i can even open my mouth can go get hit by a bus.

i'm pretty sure i have a brain tumor too, or a fucking aneurysm or something. my head hurts all the time & there are brief periods where i feel like fainting. it happened today while i was taking an order & i can't even describe it- i fucked up the order though. i'm probably fucking dying & i'm still working at this shit job.

all i want to do, is drive around the country with my camera. why the fuck can't i do that??

2010-08-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

teen mom is on in half an hour. it's totally my guilty pleasure. & then i watch 'if you really knew me' after & cry. haha

today's been long & strange & i don't even know. i woke up at 2pm (an hour earlier than usual! ha.), balanced my checkbook & figured out that i really did not save as much money as i needed to. but, i knew that already. then i drank wayyy too much coffee & stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out & i had stopped crying. then, i felt like packing but i did my hair instead & i was all like- i look like a fucking stunner in this red lipstick ahahahaha. so naturally, i wanted to take pictures. but then i remembered i don't really have friends, so the only place i went was to little caesar's to get pizza. then i played bejeweled until i lost on level 15 & then i edited some old photos (since i couldn't take any).

oh & i'm still freaking out about the no job/no apt. thing. i was hoping that guy would call us back today, but he didn't, so now i'm hoping for tomorrow. otherwise, i'm going to be living in a motel for a while bc i don't know what else to do. i did find this other apartment for 440/mo with everything included which is so fucking cheap it's awesome, but it's a 20 minute drive to school everyday. still, fucking cheapppp. so, i emailed apps to her too. we'll see. i would like to be down there permanently by friday, i have to be at the school at 10:15am on fri to pick up my macbook (YES DOUBLE YES TRIPLE YES, I'M FUCKING EXCITED FOR THIS) & i would really rather not wake up at fucking 5am to drive down there to pick up one thing.

the other good news today, besides the macbook (WOOOOO!), is my direct loan went back into remission & i don't have to pay on it until i'm done with school. i know the interest is still building, but at this point, i dont' give a fuck :D

2010-07-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

stayed home from work today because i feel nauseous/dizzy & i can't stop coughing for anything. so i'm sitting here eating ice cream with the vicks vaporizer going & editing old photos. i haven't taken pictures in forever & i am literally dying a little. i need an adventure soon. & is it almost august? really? everything is slipping away from me- i've only got one week of work left & i'm done there. i'm going to miss everyone. & summer is fading out, slowly, which makes me the most sad. school starts on the 23rd and it still hasn't hit me that i will be sitting in a classroom again. i don't think i'll really feel it until the first day. and very, very soon i'll be in my new apartment with my boyfriend and it will be our own place & i can't put into words how happy that makes me. the only loose end i really want to tie up is finding a job. i've applied about a zillion places online but nothing yet.

so here's me crossing my fingers.

2010-07-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

i hear old songs or i read old books or i drive down the same old streets but i can't ever feel the way i did the first time. i don't know why, this just makes me incredibly sad. i woke up from a dream this morning where i was johnny depp's girlfriend. i was in my underwear the whole time because we were at this event to celebrate his life in movies & it also had something to do with Victoria's Secret. there were supermodels everywhere, towering over me- huge, sleek, toned women in their underwear. & me too, & i wasn't even uncomfortable at all (which is weird, especially since my mom was there...ha). anyways, the point being that me & johnny had just started dating & it was all puppy love & still a little shy and he came up behind me & ignored all those gorgeous women. it made me realize that i haven't felt like that in such a long time & it made me ache a little. & then later, a spice girls song came on & i couldn't remember really how i used to feel when i would listen to them. you know, twelve years old & platform shoes & girl power. i was so excited about it, i don't know if i get that excited about anything anymore.

the last handful of times people have asked me to hang out, i just make excuses. i'm doing that thing where i isolate myself again. it comes & goes.

sorry, this entry is stupid but i haven't been writing at all & i feel creative & i get the itch to write, but when i sit down, this shit comes out instead.

2010-07-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

i want to be alone, mostly. i've been sleeping more than i should, been dreaming strange dreams- ghosts & skeletons & shotguns & you, on the beach, holding me. always someone to protect me, never saving myself. i've been overfull.

we found an apartment, it's still not 'ours' which is stressing me out. i have to find a day i can get down there again to look at it, sign the lease, etc. & he only has one place left & i don't want it to get away. i'll feel better when i can call it mine. i've been applying for jobs online, pizza hut & wells fargo & best buy & jc penny, but no luck so far.

been taking a lot of pictures, not for any reason but to document really. i don't wanna forget.

found you once, you're lost again

2010-07-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

oh heyyy, i'm sitting here doing nothing as usual. i woke up at 2:45pm & felt like shit. i sat in the tub & let the cool water wake me up. i ran & got some arby's which was a mistake bc now i feel like shit again.

i got back on friday from a pretty epic road trip out to houghton & marquette with kirsten (which is where i'll be living soon!). hung out with bjorn & krystal who are two really cool people that i'm glad to know. we hit up some abandoned stuff & a really creepy cemetery in the middle of the woods & we sat on the beach until 2am under the stars and played never have i ever and we laughed a lot and we drove around in the sunshine a lot and it was really, really fun. i had orientation for school on friday, i scheduled my classes & it's all starting to feel very real & very close & i honestly can't decide how i feel about it. i'm scared & sad & happy & excited & nervous as fuck. i'm just going to let it work itself out.

god, this is my life & it keeps going & moving & changing. & fuck, you know, i can't get over that this is who i am now. & tomorrow, i'll be different.

2010-06-27T15:10:00.001-07:00

all these layers & a thousand lonely minds drifting, out to the ocean. the rain beats the pavement, hard, until it cracks. i take a picture of your face & a moment later, you are changed. nothing is ever the same for very long.

recovering the satellites...when you gonna come down?

2010-06-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

i was thinking today about how i complain about all the bullshit that people talk about. how none of it matters at all, the fact that they feel so unappreciated. everyone feels fucking unappreciated, i feel it. i just don't say anything. i don't have anyone to tell & maybe that's why i hate them so fucking much.

everything is hard & fast, slick when you're young. i'm in it. everything is diamond-backed, wet, glistening. quick & mean. even the anguish has a gleam to it, the melancholy is a chunky honeydew bracelet around your thin wrist, sorrow is all fat rubies around your neck, weighing you down. & you take it for granted, you keep the hatred close like your grandmother's pearls.

i think in fragments, anymore. life is a pond, life is a river, life is an ocean- drown yourself in it. load up your pockets with those dark, smooth stones. a weight that means something. walk & keep walking, keep walking. don't stop until you reach the other side.

2010-06-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

i hate it when the people you used to know become something completely foreign. & not only foreign, but also possessing all the qualities you loathe in a person. i've probably changed too.

i'm having second thoughts on everything lately. i don't know what to do.

tell me what you wanna know.

2010-05-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

everything is coming back to how it was before but it's all new. isn't that how it always goes? everything is spinning & i'm so fucking dizzy i don't which direction i'm going in anymore. life sure moves quick. i can't hold these days anymore, i feel like they used to be so long.

i don't write anymore, kept it all inside instead, now i can't get it out. i'm just about ready to burst. the things i wish i could tell you.

2010-05-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

i'm 23. it snowed on my birthday & i found out that i have some really selfish friends, which makes me sad. so i prettymuch decided selfish friends are not friends of mine. i'm over it. new beginning, clean slate & all that. it's back to work tomorrow & then the upcoming weekend will hopefully be nice. plans for the brother to take his driver's test & then hanging out with an old friend i haven't seen in forever which i'm really excited for. i've been dying to go exploring anywhere lately, i just wanna get in the jeep & go. country roads & old falling down barns & pretty horses. the sun beating down & fields of burnt trees, hidden dirt roads. i'm ready to be free but i don't know if i ever will be.

i wish i could tell you where i'll be this time next time around.

2010-04-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

i think this is my favorite photo i've taken, ever. i also think that i will never ever tire of bon iver. i love every single song & i love how the whole album sounds & feels & how you can drive to it, make love to it, sing to it, fall asleep to it, read to it. it's perfect in the rain or the snow or the sunshine when you're driving down the bay and the sunshine is all shadowplay through the trees and you are so happy that you are here, alone, and everything is new again & budding.

work is tedious, but sometimes it's worth it & sometimes there are good days & i think all in all, i will be sad to leave when i go. there are things i will miss. i feel like i've grown a lot in this place. but not enough, i'm ready to learn, to be cracked open like a shell, i want to be filled up, i want to gorge myself on everything i can get my hands on. i want to know. i'm getting really excited for school even if i am stressing over the details.

this weather is driving me crazyyy. all i want to do is run around & take pictures, but it SNOWED yesterday. it was like regressing, 3 months back, the cold making me shiver all over (again). i've also decided i really want to start shooting film. i love how film looks & feels, so nostalgic and beautiful. film cameras are a little pricy but i'm hoping someone will get it for me for my birthday which is coming up next month. (for once, i feel as old as i am turning- 23 has a ring to it.)

2010-03-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

it feels like spring & that makes me really happy. (i can't wait for everything to be green again.) <3

strange nostalgia

2010-03-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

i've forgotten who i was
before and i get so
nostalgic for things

that i didn't want
when i had them.

even after i've become
the person i thought
i should be, it's still not
good enough.

there are satellites
spinning perfect circles
around me and you,
the earth is reeling
at 1000 miles an hour

and i know even if
i hold my breath
and slow my heart-

time will still be
twisting away
from me.

2010-02-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

things:

1. i got accepted to northern & all my credits transfer over. now i need a job & an apartment.
2. grand rapids trip this weekend with the girls. i'm so excited to get out of town.
3. i made a fort & wore my new dress & watched a movie with the boy in it. it was epic.

i sortof feel like my life is falling into place. i feel like i've waited so long for this to happen, for this feeling.

nobody knows, our love is in secret code.

2010-02-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

february 11.

the last two days have felt like fridays, which is kindof fun because i like how fridays feel. but kindof sad too, because i still have to work the next day. however, tomorrow really is friday so let's throw a party. if you show up tomorrow, there will be cupcakes and balloons and confetti and party hats.

i feel happy right now, which is nice. i think i like having things that i know i will be able to savor later, i like to save up little moments. like, i know that i will get to play my new records this weekend that i bought from goodwill, and read my book for hours on end, and rent movies and watch three in a row if i want.

i am a satellite

2010-02-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

for about a week, i've been feeling feverish and my head aches, i fall asleep too early & then wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. i have strange dreams about being promoted or power outages in grocery stores. i took some cliche pictures with christmas lights, but i don't care, i like them a lot. i should be in bed, but i'm not. i should've done yoga like i said i would, but i didn't. i can't stop thinking about summertime- it's become an obsession, a bad habit to imagine all that green and the heat and being in the car on that road with all the pretty houses and the window down and the music up and bare feet on hot pavement or sand or grass and then i look out the window and there is snow and i feel so bad. i wish i could run away, somewhere warm.

february fourth

2010-02-04T20:14:00.001-08:00

i haven't slept all week. i was so tired by 12:30 today that i was shaking & my heart was beating too fast, too hard. i thought i was going to die. so i worked through it & then i was that weird wired wide awake even though you should be sleeping. this week went by pretty fast, i got my taxes done so i'm going to have a little money to put away. i'm going to ohio in march which i am SO EXCITED for. i also put my application in at NMU today and got my transcripts sent over. i'm seriously considering leaving this little town. i just want something good for me, i'm just tired of not being happy with my life.

today was a really good day.

2010-01-31T00:02:00.000-08:00

i need somewhere new to post my poetry. lj isn't the same anymore.

Everest.

my spine is clean white
bone, like solid milk-
nourishment i know

you need. my spine
is a hollowed out tunnel
under flesh, a secret
passageway. i'd let you in

if you meant what you
said, but the words fell
like rocks from your
mouth- hard and ugly

(there are mountains in
my mind and you are
on the other side; i
keep climbing).

sometimes, i lie down
next to you and your
stomach growls at me
like a dog. i think maybe

you are hungry for me.

can't get enough of this electric love.

2010-01-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

do you ever get to the point where you just don't care? about anything? because, i think i'm there. meet me at the four way stop in the middle of nowhere on that dirt road, i want to talk to you about God and how big of an asshole he is, i wanna tell you about how fucking breathtaking the stars are and how i don't see them enough. i want to kiss you but i don't wanna fall for you like i always do, like a succer. i wanna tell you to take me to the river, let me take your breath away with my skin in the moonlight; each wave holding a tiny secret. i wanna scream at the top of my lungs and then i want to cry without being ashamed, i want you to cry with me without being ashamed. i want to say- hey, i don't want life to be this one long road leading to a dead end. i don't want life to be so complicated and hurried and sad. i want more beauty and more poetry and more dancing in the kitchen, more days at the beach, more songs that make me feel alive. i want to be madly in love with everything.

maybe, you are hungry for me.

2010-01-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

i keep starting poems & then i can't find the words to finish them. i keep listening to songs that i fell in love with a long time ago. i keep feeling like everything i do, everything i make doesn't correctly portray what's inside. there's a sunrise in my chest, blood red and glowing; i'm on fire. or sometimes, i'm cool as milk; or i am floating on the music of a song so pretty it'll break your heart. i let things break my heart, i like how misery is a stone sinking inside of you, it goes so much deeper than anything else ever does.

p.s. follow me on twitter if you wish: www.twitter.com/tinyearthquakes
&& formspring is still open & i would love it if you'd ask me stuff/tell me secrets: www.formspring.me/tinyearthquakes

2010-01-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

i don't know what's wrong with me lately, i keep focusing on the negative things & i know i'm not pushing myself hard enough, i know i'm not making the right decision by staying here. each day is like one stroke of the clock but it's in slow motion & it hurts. i hate the way you talk about your life & the way you walk by. i want to be surrounded by beauty, i am so sick of all this white white winter. the green is in my blood, why not in the trees?

2009-12-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

i am up late while he is sleeping. i never do this. i used to stay up so late, into the morning...writing and listening to music. maybe listening to how the house sounded in the night. i used to be really scared to do things by myself and then i met him and i had someone to do things with. but i think i need to break my dependence on him, i need to learn to be by myself because i feel like i am missing out on important things.

today is christmas but it doesn't feel like it at all. it rained & i opened all my presents last night. richard worked until 3pm today & after that we drove to petoskey for christmas at his sister's house. i got: a 55mm lens for my nikon & 2 pairs of shoes from richard, a holga, a fish eye lens, and film from clint, a mr. potato head (lol), a record player, socks, & an itunes card from my mom, & a hoodie & perfume from kristy. i feel spoiled but thankful.

i hope you all had a really good christmas, i hope you got what you wanted, & i hope you got that warm & fuzzy feeling with the christmas lights turned on and the wrapping paper all over the floor. i hope you ate a lot of pie and didn't feel guilty.

2009-12-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

i keep dreaming

of the open road:

the sky so big,

stretched over tree

tops as we head south

toward the heat.

we'll sit on the banks

of the mississippi,

headlights gleaming

on the small, dark waves

while slick-bodied fish

swim just beneath

the surface.

cross-legged in

the damp grass,

we'll listen to the

sounds (and the

silence) in awe.

i never promised you a rose garden.

2009-11-25T21:30:00.000-08:00

Scratch marks on skin, white lines. Blood rises to the surface in red splotches and heat- a feeling that is almost pain. Fingers move across skin as across piano keys, the world is black and white, all melody. The world is a tea party in an English rose garden, a forest of green ivy and girls skinny as sticks in floral-print dresses with lipstick-stained teeth, a white porcelain bowl full of dark raspberries and rich cream. The world is not as ugly as you think.

2009-11-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

i've got so much on my mind i don't know where to start. i want to tell you how beautiful i think the world is, but how ugly i know it's bones are, how evil things can be. i feel like i might not be smart enough to save myself if i needed to. i'm supposed to go down to detroit tomorrow. there was a taddy porter/saving abel concert planned but the lead singer for saving abel is sickkk so it was cancelled last minute. we've still got the hotel room so we're going anyway. i've still got chest pain and this i-feel-like-i-can't-breathe thing & i'm tired & nervous still. i'll probably go but no guarantees. i'm tired of feeling like this, i'm tired of being so scared of everything. these pictures here, it took me 20 minutes of talking myself up in front of the door with my hand on the handle, 20 minutes of saying do it, you'll feel stronger, you'll feel better. i did it, but i drove my car there even though it's right behind the building where i live. i'm so scared and i just want to find other people who have felt this way, i just want to know someone who has beaten this. i want hope, i want to be normal now.

we all need a little gravity.

2009-11-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

i fell in love with a bass player tonight. he was gorgeous, and his voice was amazing. i was completely infatuated for an hour & a half. i wanted to marry him & wear cheap sunglasses & ride on tour busses and see lots of different cities and take silly pictures with him in front of the biggest ball of yarn or cloud gate. i wanted him to sing me to sleep. i was in my own 'almost famous' fantasy with the smoke from the stage intoxicating me, the lights, red and purple and blue and green, illuminating his face.

at the end, we found out he has a heart condition which is fucking awful.

also, i'm pretty sure he's already married.

i also sortof loved the keyboard player, he was one of those skinny guys who wear dress shirts tucked into their jeans, but it worked for him. i could see us in a small but spacious manhattan apartment, all black appliances & steel, hardwood floors. i was barefoot in skinny jeans & a black shirt, my hair curly, smiling at him.

i'm obviously pissed at my boyfriend & am willing to flirt with anyone i see.

i would like to drive until i am somewhere warm, i would like to get a motel room by the ocean and take pictures of everything i see. i would like to run away.

2009-10-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

what if i said you were beautiful? because you are. go right now, look in the mirror. tell me you're not beautiful. i won't believe you.

2009-10-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

i'm aching for summertime & it's not even winter yet. fuck.

the rain is getting under my skin, sinking in.

2009-10-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

things are different lately, strange. i can drive myself anywhere i want to go, anytime i want to but i still feel like it's forbidden, like i'm breaking a rule. so there's a thrill in my spine, a quickening of the heart. i'm tired of my job (again). i go through cycles with this- i'll be happy that i am in a place that i don't hate, i'll be comfortable there & then i will hate it because i'm not in school where i should be, i don't have enough time for anything else because of it. i start to hate the smell of coffee, the taste of papercuts. went to riverside cemetery today to try & find george & helen but that graveyard is huge. i'm going to see if their is a directory somewhere. got some pictures anyway. i've noticed there are more leaves on the ground than all the trees lately. too much cold wind, too much rain. winter is coming soon, i can feel it, i can smell it. i'm still not ready.

2009-10-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

i woke up at 11, climbed out of bed & opened the blinds- discovered it was raining & climbed right back in. i stayed there and slept until 2. i was generally bummed all day, i had plans for this weekend. i really wanted to drive out to munising and take pictures with kirsten. but she was sick :( & it rained. all. day. i love fall with a passion, but i hate when it's biting on the verge of winter and the wind is high and the rain is falling too cold and hard. we did take a trip to the cemetery on riverside, i have a wonderful idea for a photo but it was too cold, too rainy. we ended up staying in & watching a movie. i don't recommend 'land of the lost' btw. not really that great. i'm hoping tomorrow is nicer, i'm going to get up early before everyone comes over for rock band at 2 :p

warrior.

2009-10-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

i want to be held, i want hot cocoa & warm fuzzy slippers and snow falling down softly outside my window. but not yet. i want pretty pictures of the gold leaves falling all around me, i want to chase ghosts through abandoned buildings, i want to find long lost lovers in graveyards, i am writing letters to everyone i've ever wanted to say anything to. they posted the class schedule for spring and none of the classes i wanted were offered. this hurts in my bones. sometimes i feel like i'm wasting so much fucking time. i want to hunt things down instead of waiting for them to come to me. but there are obstacles, there are so many fences to jump and i'm afraid i'm too scared of what's on the other side of them.

these memories are all we really have

2009-10-10T20:51:00.001-07:00

sometimes, i feel so fucking old. like i am so old but i haven't done anything at all. like i should be walking down the aisle and having babies and buying a house and having a steady job that i actually maybe enjoy doing. but i'm not anywhere close to that.

the red isn't the red we painted, it's just rust.

2009-10-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

yoga. lots of chocolate. concert tickets. nikon d40. worryingworryingworrying. mostly about money. ugh. passing my driver's test(!) worrying about insurance and plates for my car & how much that's gonna cost. worrying about christmas presents and how much that's gonna cost. cherry coke & jack's supreme pizzas. falltime.

i wish with my bones that i could write poetry again, like how it used to come out of me like lifeblood and it would be there, on the screen, & i would have it memorized from reading it over so many times, knowing i created it; like it was a part of me. i just can't lately. i've been using my (new!) camera as my creative outlet but i don't feel creative at all lately really. i go on flickr and i look through all of these amazing pictures by amazingly creative people and i feel so dull. i think everyone does that though. i don't know. i know that it's fall, and the weatherman said snow on sunday and i feel torn- like maybe i want to cry about it, or maybe i want to embrace it. but i tried embracing it last year and it didn't go too well if you know what i mean. i wasn't meant for the cold, the cold wasn't meant for me.

sink your teeth into my bones, baby.

2009-10-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

i passed my driver's test today, this should be huge, i should be more excited than this. do you ever work so hard toward something for so long that it turns into this huge thing in your mind, just a huge mountain that can't be moved and then when you finally learn how to climb over it, to conquer it, it seems really small? & you're stuck wondering what took you so long in the first place? that's how i feel, not that i'm not grateful though. god, i am. this is opening so many doors for me. you have no idea, neither do i. that's the fun part.

2009-09-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

the first & last time we went swimming this year was after the leaves were already changing, turning their bright faces into the dying sun. the water was so cold, but we dived in anyway. it was perfect.

don't you wanna go?

2009-09-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

do you ever feel like you can't breathe? do you ever eat your feelings? how do they taste? mine taste like chocolate & sadness. i don't wanna feel like this anymore. i've tried to get over this, i've done it before, what's so different now? why is this sticking to me like sand to wet feet at the beach in the summertime? i want to dive into the waves, i want to be washed clean. sometimes, i only want to start over.

2009-08-31T17:03:00.000-07:00

i swear i'd burn the city down to show you the light.

i will be chasing the starlight until the end of my life.

2009-08-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

you electrify my life
let's conspire to re-ignite
all the souls that would die
just to feel alive.

i just wanted to hold you in my arms.